Learn from the loneliness expert
Create your own life
Whether you are a child or an adult, loneliness can hit you like a brick: Unexpected and very painful.
On the other hand, it is possible loneliness had festerd like forever, even to the point that you don’t even realise it is loneliness you suffer from.
The fact that in our society loneliness is considered to be an old people’s ailment, does not make it easy to talk about.
The combination of these facts can be stifling, but there is a way out.
My first advice would be to learn a bit more about loneliness, and then to decide what you want to do.
Of course, if you want to go ahead right now, be my guest, it can only enrich your life:
Right, so you want to know a bit more about loneliness. Or you want to know more about who I am. That is understandable. Here goes.
First, loneliness is not an epidemic. It has been around forever. The only loneliness-epidemic there is, is the attention it gets from the media. That attention is fully justified. Because about 40% of the world population feel lonely today. And again tomorrow. It is as if we are finding out about hygiene all over again. The importance of hygiene was discovered because many people got sick and the cure appeared to be better hygiene. That was before the discovery of bacteria. This time we are – at last – finding out how ill and miserable we all can get from the lack of the right social relationships. Although we do not really understand the mechanics, we know full well that a lack of meaningful relationships makes us weak. The isolation that the COVID virus had brought upon us has made this even clearer. Loneliness can shorten lives with as many as ten years. This time it is social hygiene we are in the process of discovering.
So what is loneliness?
Loneliness is a simple physical sign, an emotion, that tells us something about the state of our relationships. It is a signal, comparable to hunger and thirst. It tells us something is lacking. Sadly it doesn’t tell us what exactly that is, so that is for you to find out. Just as hunger does not tell you to grab a candybar and thirst does not tell you to have a pint, loneliness does not tell you to do anything specific. It is up to you to decide what to do. Your upbringing, your habits, the information that is accessible to you all help decide what to do in your specific case. What happens if you don’t know what to do?
Well, 40% chance you will do the wrong thing. You may end up having married the wrong partner, just to escape loneliness. Or addicted to any kind of substance or screen-activity. Or you may end up just plain miserable.
Fact is that you need to find a solution to your loneliness when it first arises, within – give or take – a year. Loneliness changes your brain, and not for the better. If loneliness is a constant presence in your life, your brain will first show functional changes and later on, if you fail to get over loneliness, those changes will become structural.
Those brain changes are complex. They include a change in hormonal production, changes in the way you interpret the world and specifically how you interpret the faces of other people. People will scare you a bit. You will become more fearful, more anxious, less self-assured and your cognitive powers will reduce. In other words: you cannot think as clearly as you once could. The world can seem a frightening place, and you may feel reluctant to socialise. Loneliness is a constant stressor in your life. That is, in a nutshell, what loneliness does to you. It undermines you, mentally and physically. Sad thing is that all these changes in you make it very hard for you to trust anyone, even someone who wants to help you get over loneliness….
Which brings me to me.
I am Jeannette Rijks, I am Dutch and in 2000 my dear aunt Elly confided in me and in her GP. She told us how terribly lonely she felt. Her doctor didn’t know what do do and in fact told her this was the consequence of the choices she had made in her life. His solution was an offer of half a year of Seroxat, to start with. I, with my studies in Psychology and the bond I thought I had with her, didn’t have any solution at all. That is when my search started. I do not think it will ever end.
I wanted to find something to help her – and found nothing. I built my own theory on loneliness – based on my studies of scientific research and closely linked to neuropsychological theories, especially on the work of John Cacioppo. I won’t bother you with too many of the the details here, but it boils down to one word: patterns. We understand our world because we see patterns in things. Those patterns give meaning to our life. They make our experiences predictable, and in fact make it possible for us to live the life we live. Everything we experience and feel has only meaning for us if there is a pattern to it.
We recognize a glass because it has the qualities of a glass: there is a pattern. We typically have trouble finding meaning in abstract art: there is no pattern. Our relationships have patterns as well, and for a lot of those patterns we have names: father, friend, teacher. Those names reflect the meaning of that relationship and it makes it possible for us to share those meanings, just bij sharing those names. If you doubt this, try the pattern: mother-in-law.
Patterns make our world predictable. They give us a feeling of safety, of trustworthiness. If those patterns are disrupted, we feel uncomfortable. If the patterns of our relationships are disrupted, we feel lonely. That feeling is universally shared. Disrupted patterns almost always make us long for the old situation: the broken plate, the closed shop, the ended relationship. Dealing with disruption of patterns of relationships is what we all need to learn. And practically nobody does, at least not in a formal way.
Ending loneliness is in fact dealing with broken patterns. Sometimes relationships can be restored, but very often the can not. In that case it is necessary to learn what we need in order to have the relationships we need. And here comes the hard part: what have you learned about yourself, your values, how you share those values and with whom, what kind of people bring you happiness and vice versa, what is your favourite sense, where do you like to live and how? Then a very important question (but there are many more) who do you want to live with and how are you going to bring that about?
It is very sad that we live in a world overwhelmed with information, and we don’t talk about the most important things in life: the people that make our life worth living. Time to take an inventory and start living our lives to the full.
Here is where the course comes in.
This course teaches you a lot about yourself: it is a guided cochingtrip, with special care for that lonely brain of yours. Because for you to really end loneliness you need to connect to other people. And let me guess: you don’t feel like it. Because your changed brain whispers to you: stay safe, stay home! That is what loneliness does to you: ultimately it makes you unfit for society. It will leave you old and sick and longing for visitors that never come. That is, if you live to an old age.
So in order for you to start changing and to learn how to change your life into a happy life, you first need to change the flexibility of that brain of yours. That requires some things that have nothing to do with cognitive changes. Think for instance: physical movement, music, creative assignments, in short: anything that can make your brain better capable of acquiring new knowledge and skills. And then you must learn how to care for yourself and your relationships.
This course does all that. Nothing more, nothing less.
In eight weeks you receive eight lessons, each for seven days of the week. You decide yourself when you do them. It is not rocket science, you can do it. A couple of video clips to get you going, some emails in between to give you a gentle push, and that’s it. You read the text, you do the assignments and your life will change in the direction you choose.
If you are still in doubt, maybe I should tell you that this course has been around for more than ten years in The Netherlands, that thousands of people already have taken it. It was even shown on national T.V. in the Netherlands, where I led a small group of five older people and helped them with their steps.
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I must admit I hesitated before I said yes to the offer, because this course is definitely not meant for the elderly. Of course, if you are in good health and you can read and write, there is no reason why you shouldn’t take it, but I made the course for (young) adult people of all ages.
I started my search 20 years ago because I wanted to help my aunt. Of course it took some time before I dared to admit that I had felt loney for most of my life. I was a lonely child and before I started my quest I didn’t know why and how to deal with it. You don’t need to know, because everybody has their own unique story. Luckily, we do not need to know the origin of our loneliness, we just need to know how to solve it. This course will help you do that. Once you have solved your loneliness, you can look back on your life. With pride.
That’s it.
I have nothing more to say. If you want to change your life and get rid of that loneliness, this is your chance.
All right, I’ll try it. If you are still in doubt, maybe I should tell you that this course has been around for more than ten years in The Netherlands, that thousands of people already have taken it. It was even shown on national T.V. in the Netherlands, where I led a small group of five older people and helped them with their steps.
P.S. As you will have guessed, I am not a native English speaker. So if you have any suggestions to improve my text, please let me know!
Whatever you do, take care of yourself. Good luck.